This was my third pregnancy and I never stopped begging it was my second child alive, my rainbow baby. I miscarried my second and even though it was something I knew could happen to anybody, I didn’t expect it.
I didn’t know many people who had gone through it. At least that’s what I thought. When I had my loss and talked about it, I found out many women I knew had gone through it too.
A miscarriage is one of those unexpected and difficult things in life. You know they can happen to you, but in many ways you think and hope they won’t. Have you been there? Things like losing a loved one without anticipation; getting into a tragic accident or getting sick; having a child with special needs or losing a baby before being able to see him and/or held him.
I know I’m one of the lucky, blessed, whatever you want to call it woman. I get pregnant easily. With my first I had just gotten off birth control and thankfully had an overall smooth pregnancy (if you can call a pregnancy smooth)
When my first was getting to his two-year-old mark and we were just starting to have conversations about a second baby, I got pregnant.
I was so scared! We were just starting to get into a not so overwhelming life with our first so the thought of a new baby scared me a lot. However, that only lasted a few seconds because then I was completely in love with that little human growing inside my body.
Unfortunately, 11 weeks into the pregnancy I went in for my regular check up to only hear the sound of silence. No heartbeat. My world was shattered and all the life I had imagined with that baby slipped out of my fingers in a second. It was the worst day of my life which led to the worst months of my life. I didn’t want to get pregnant again.
But life continued…
When my angel baby’s due date came, I felt I wanted to try again. I wrote a good-bye letter to him (I think it was a boy) and discussed it with my husband.
Shortly after, I found myself looking at a positive pregnancy test. I felt so happy but at the same time I felt anxious and scared. This time I knew a miscarriage was something that could “actually” happen to me if that makes sense.
Not to say I was never nervous with my other pregnancies. When I found out I was pregnant with my first I started walking as if I had an egg on top of my head and I feared it would fall and break. But this time the anxiety was different. I felt robbed out of that innocence that told me everything would be ok.
Pregnancy after a loss is a total different experience
This time instead of announcing my pregnancy early out of pure happiness as I did with my first. I did it because I didn’t want to suffer another loss or the horrible fist trimester in silence. I needed to know I would not be alone.
Instead of praying morning sickness went away, I was praying that it didn’t if that meant the pregnancy wouldn’t continue. Every time I was exhausted of the permanent nausea, I was also thankful for it. When I approached the second trimester I panicked because if the sickness went away, what would tell me everything was going well?
Waiting to see or hear a heartbeat was excruciating. My heart would start pounding and my mind would go back to that very moment I didn’t hear a heartbeat. I practically avoided looking at the screen until I heard one or the technician told me to look.
Instead of sleep-walking to the bathroom and peeing in the dark, I would turn the light on and check my underwear, the toilet and the toilet paper to make sure I was not bleeding.
It turned out that I would see blood in those three, plus my dining room chair, not one but many times.
Around the 10th weeks as I was brushing my teeth I started bleeding. All I could mutter was “not again, no God, not again…please” I had to deal with a significantly large subchrionic hematoma for weeks, which only made my fears worse.
there’s always hope..
I’m not a person who likes to live in fear. I’m more a person who acknowledges the fear, yet keeps going as if it didn’t exist. Despite all my anxiety and the recommendations I was given, I tried to enjoy my pregnancy the best I could and not let my fears control my actions.
I don’t think people really knew how scared I was, but God did and he gave me hope. One sunday morning at church, the preaching was about how sometimes we don’t pray the “Big prayer” and are not specific enough with God about how we feel and what we need from him.
Since that day I stopped praying to only be able to have my rainbow baby, which at the ned was all I wanted. Instead, I started opening my heart to God about everything and praying that the hematoma went away, that I could enjoy this last pregnancy and that I could give birth to a healthy baby.
I clung to God and prayed my big prayer all I could. The bleeding continued until one day I bled a lot and that night a lot more. Thankfully that was the last time I did and from then on the hematoma stopped being a threat to my baby’s life. As scary as it was, I saw it as the answer to my prayer.
I know God doesn’t have any duty to do whatever we ask of him. But sometimes, more often than not, we need to go past the regular prayer and come to him with all our worries, wants, needs and dreams. We may get surprised.
He may know all about us, but I’m sure he enjoys and loves it when we can have the trust to open all of our lives to him.
Fear will always be there but it doesn’t mean it can control you…
I wish I could say I was never scared after that because I was. I was only able to take a breath of relief the moment I held him and saw his beautiful eyes.
Having faith and hope didn’t mean I forgot real life, where bad things happen to good people. The thought of not having my rainbow after the storm killed me because I didn’t think I could handle it again. Not another loss or another pregnancy. However, I’ve learned it’s totally ok to be both fearful and faithful at the same time.
My motto throughout the pregnancy became “even when my mind tells me there’s nothing I can do, my heart won’t stop believing”
Scared but faithful till the end.. I guess that’s part of being a mom.
Today I thank God every time I’m able to see my baby’s smiles. They are the little rainbows that carry me through my daily little storms.
My heart goes out to all of you who have been through infertility, one or multiple loses. You are warriors!
I love knowing other people’s stories, so if you want, drop me a comment below or send me an email. I’ll be here. As always thank you for following.