My son, I know you’re little and probably won’t remember every time you laugh. I won’t either, but I hope that every and each of them helps weave your character, your confidence, your self-love and become the stronger threads that will hold together the weaving of your life and weaken the threads of the many mistakes I will make while raising you.
You see? Today, I yelled at you. I do it everyday. Sometimes once, sometimes more.
Sometimes yelling is the only way to get you to do something. Sometimes yelling is easier than finding out what is going on from your neck down, so I just try to stop whatever you’re doing from the neck up. You know I don’t like to do it. I say it to you as soon as it happens and ask you to forgive me; you nod and smile. I wish I could forgive so easily.
I’ve made it my mission to bring you laughter three times more the times I yell at you. Three times more the times I’m not patient. Three times more the times I don’t stop for a second and try to understand you because there are other things to do and I want you to move faster. Three times more the times I forget you’re a little boy who is learning.
That’s a lot , isn’t it? Of course I don’t count them, no time for that, I just know they add up to a lot.
That’s why every time I remember or every time I feel I’m failing you, I’ll go to tickle you, make silly faces, make of our kitchen a dance and music studio, dance weirdly or fall off on purpose to get a laugh from you.
While your well-being is a huge reason to do it, you are not the main reason. It’s ME. I constantly get lost in my never-ending days and never-ending chores. My mommy brain fails me all the time. One second I’m playing with you, the other I’m in the kitchen trying to remember what is it that I was doing. I don’t, so I go back to you but then I remember and return to only notice that I needed to get something before and the cycle goes on and on. I get lost! In the same way I forget to just sit and read with you, speak with you and just be us.
But your laugh…oh baby your laugh.
The sound of your laughter brings me down to earth. I know Earth is a scary place to be, but your laughter helps me remember why I am where I am and why I do what I do. It makes my heart grow bigger. It’s the boost of energy I need a million times a day. It’s God’s voice telling me “you’re good enough, you’re not failing” and remembering me that as hard as it is I wouldn’t have it any other way.
When I hear your laugh and see your face, the sparkle in your eyes and your chubby cheeks, it’s like the world stops for a second and I forget about everything. Our life feels like a dream and I lose myself in your laughter.
There, I remember that love goes first and ONLY, just only after that, the discipline, the teachings, the dishes, the cooking and the work can come.