Some people knew I was pregnant with my second. Others didn’t. I was silent with the news because something in my heart told me to.
This week I went for my first sonogram and we didn’t see a heartbeat. We were told we’d lost our baby. I was a bit more than 10 weeks pregnant.
When the technician started the sonogram , I was so happy to finally see my baby; I was busy noticing the head and the little body that I forgot to look for a heartbeat. But then I listened to the doctor say “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat. You’ll be miscarrying” and I just kept looking at the screen begging for my baby to move. I went from joy to fear, anger and an immense sadness in seconds. I couldn’t stop crying. A piece of me died that very second.
Many of you will think I’m crazy for posting about it. This is a situation most women are silent about. But I can’t post one more happy post or photo (which will be true because I still smile, I’m still happy even if sometimes the tears come down my face) before posting one of the toughest and most painful situation I’ve gone through.
Just as I felt not to post the news about my pregnancy, now I’m feeling deep in my heart that I cannot be silent about my loss. So here I am, not knowing what to write and just typing as I feel.
Don’t worry I’m ok. I know this had to happen and there was no way I could have done something to save my baby. I know this has a purpose, even though I can’t understand it now. I’m Christian. The kind of Christian who knows is not alone, who knows God doesn’t make mistakes and will turn this into something good. The kind of Christian who knows God knows the pain I’m feeling more than anybody. After all he gave up his son. The kind of Christian who knows that even when Jesus knew he would soon be in heaven with his father, he cried, he suffered and he felt forsaken. So even if I know this will turn out into something good, I feel sad, I cry a lot and I sometimes feel forsaken. And that’s ok.
I’m very prone to depression. The principal reason is that I usually hide my feelings and don’t allow myself to feel and grieve. This time I know better than to numb my pain and I know better than to just go on with life as if nothing happened. I know enough about unresolved issues and open wounds, so I’m allowing myself to grieve, to cry, not to want to do anything some moments and to just curl up on my bed and stare at the wall. My sister told me “you need to cry your loss” and that’s what I’m doing.
This time I don’t want to be strong, I want to be vulnerable. I need and want hugs. I need and want I’m sorry’s. I need and want “me too’s”. Maybe that’s why I’m making this public. I need support.
Yesterday, I had the D&C. If you don’t know what that is (I had no idea), in a few words, the doctor had to get everything out of my uterus. My husband and I thought it would be more painful than the day we were told we’d lost our baby. It wasn’t. Somehow I felt a little relieved that I didn’t have my lifeless baby inside of me anymore. That gave me permission to only worry about my emotional healing from that moment on.
Sometimes I talk to myself, at least that’s what people will think. I talk a lot to my daddy (God) but sometimes I don’t at all. Whenever I feel strong emotions I say it out loud. “I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel hopeless, I feel better today, I feel tired” I need to acknowledge my feelings.
Grieving makes you feel isolated. Even though I may feel alone, I know I’m not. I know God is carrying me through this; I know my husband is grieving with me. We are constantly asking each other, how are you? How are you feeling? And I know more women have, are or will go through this situation. This is more common than we actually think. We, women, are just silent about it. But I don’t want to be. I want to make at least another woman feel less alone.
So I’ll be here for I don’t know how long writing about it.