I’m pregnant! and I’m not past the “safe” time yet. But I can’t hide it anymore.
I’m only nine weeks pregnant and know that anything could happen. But you know what? I’m going to avoid the “only” because every day and week that pass by and I’m pregnant is a miracle. For those new readers I had a miscarriage 9 months ago and it completely turned my world upside down. I hadn’t told many people I was pregnant because first I was waiting after the first trimester and second because I felt so unprepared to be a mom of two that I couldn’t deal with all the worries, advice or opinions of other people. However once I lost my baby I couldn’t keep it hidden and I thank God that gave me the courage to tell everybody about it because I don’t think I could have survived without the support I got. I woke up the next day and told my husband I need to write about it, so I did and published it for everybody to see. Off course I got what no grieving woman wants to hear “everything happens for a reason”, “you’re young, you’ll have another one”, “you probably would have had a child with problems” which I know come from a good place but are NOT the things to say to someone who is hurting, however the love, hugs, empathy and me too’s I got from other people made it all worth it. Do you know how many “me too’s” I got? At least half of the women I know had lost a baby. I know not many women feel comfortable sharing their loss stories, and it’s ok. However I know we all need support and know we are not alone and that’s probably my number reason to share mine, so if some of you have suffered similar situations know that you are not a failure, that it wasn’t your fault and you’re not alone.
April 23rd was my due date, that week I did what my therapist had told me to do but I wasn’t ready to: write a good-bye letter to my baby. (I’ll add it at the end) I showed it to my husband when he came back from a work trip, we both cried and agreed we were both ready to try for another baby. A month later I got two pink lines and we found ourselves blessed with another pregnancy. We were excited but obviously worried too. We immediately started talking about whether to tell the news or not. My very laid back husband was hesitant until I told him “I don’t want to keep it secret, because I don’t want to suffer in secret if it happens again” We talked a lot about it and decided to tell. I know he did it more for me. I love you babe!. We told our families first, then some friends, then made it public on Facebook and now here.
We’ve been to the doctor twice already and everything looks good. I cried when I saw my baby’s heartbeat the first time. I was so scared there wouldn’t be one because that’s how we found out our other baby had died. I know the first trimester is the most critical, however I also know that if it’s not a miscarriage it can be a still birth or something else. There’s so many things that can happen and I won’t lie, I’m scared. However I’ve come to understand that more than praying and taking care of myself there’s so very little I can do and control and that’s why I just want to enjoy every single day I’m blessed to be pregnant despite this “all day” morning sickness that is killing me. By the way, who invented that name? Morning sickness? Oh yes I think I got it, it’s “morning sickness” in all time zones. That’s right!
Thank you for reading and please keep us in your prayers…Oh! and I’m not having two as some of my friends thought, the pictures my husband is holding are from this pregnancy and the ones Chris is are from our angel baby, I never got to do the announcement. The letter I wrote is below if you want to read it.
“My little baby
Even though I think of you all the time, this month I’ve done it more. Why? Because it was the month, the week, the day that wasn’t meant to be. Your birth.
I still hurt. I still shed some tears. I still feel that tightness in my chest when I remember. I still dream of how you would have been, of our lives would be at this moment and of how I would have decorated the empty room I don’t really like to go in.
I’m ok. I’m learning to live with that pain. I’m learning to do beautiful things with it. I’m using it to talk to other women who like me still remember.
It wasn’t easy. Your leaving uncovered many wounds I had to deal with. I was at my weakest point and everything hurt. I don’t know how I handled it. I didn’t probably. I couldn’t have. I believe God carried me through it all because I don’t remember.
I only remember the pain, the fear, the anger, and the despair that I didn’t know how to manage. I only remember my body present but my mind gone. I only remember me trying to put one foot in front of the other because your dad and your brother needed me.
I think and feel I’m finally on the other side. I feel grateful for you. I feel grateful for your short life. I feel grateful for the weeks I was able to feel the symptoms that told me you were growing inside me. I’m grateful for the walks I took trying to contemplate how life would be with you by our side.
But more than anything I’m grateful for the woman I became after losing you. Because you made me stronger and not in the sense that nothing can’t hurt me, but in the sense that I learnt to feel and to heal. I learnt to cry and let my tears do their job. You also made our family stronger. Daddy and mommy learnt to have better conversations, to listen to each other, to offer a hug with no words and to accept each other more.
Maybe that was your purpose. Maybe that’s why I didn’t get to hold you, see you, nurse you or kiss you. And if parenthood is about seeing your kids doing and becoming what and who they were meant to to do and be, then I’m a proud mama.
I was told I should say good bye to you. I hadn’t done it because I wasn’t ready but I think I will today. That’s the reason I’m writing and even though I’ll never stop hurting or thinking of you, I can let you go now.
You did good my baby and I’ll be eternally grateful for your life because as short as it was it changed the world. My world!
I love you, Mommy”