Do you ever just stare at your kids (when they are being saints obviously) and think how lucky you are to be their mom?
My oldest turned 4 today and nostalgia is hitting me HARD. Lately as he started approaching this birthday, I’ve found myself spending a lot of time silently looking at him. At how tall he’s gotten, how his face has changed and how clothing from last year doesn’t fit anymore. I sit and watch him play and listen to what he says. Where did he learn to say that? Is this really my boy?Where did time go? are part of the thousand questions that cross my mind. I feel like yesterday he was a baby wanting to nurse ALL THE TIME and now he just laughs at the idea when he sees his baby brother doing it.
He left all the baby behind and is a big boy now. Kind, smart, curious, noble. As much as he (physically) looks like his dad he reminds me so much of myself. He’s a bookworm. Anything dinosaur or animal related and he’s sold. Sometimes will prefer to watch a Nat Geo documentary than a kid’s show. He loves art. He spends hours drawing, coloring, building, singing and playing instruments (making a lot of noise) I was just like him except for the music part.
I love how he resonates and comes to his own conclusions. One of his favorite things to say is “I made a mistake, I’m sorry mom” I melt every time…and overall he just talks a lot and questions everything. Yes, that can be annoying especially when my mental energy is way low but as an introvert mom I really enjoy deeper conversations 😂 (as cute as the first years are, I really struggle trying to communicate with a baby)
It’s been 4 years since the day I heard his first cry and felt so full of life. I still remember how I gasped when he came out of me with that last push. I couldn’t believe it. It’s been 4 years full of love, tears, insecurities, tantrums, sleepless nights, laundry loads, diapers changed, sick days, repeated books, songs, shows. It has not been easy. Something so rewarding as motherhood couldn’t possibly be easy, right?
His birthday always marks the number of years I’ve been a mom. I hold this day so tight in my heart. One year more for him means one more year of me putting someone else’s happiness above mine. It makes me feel accomplished. I’m still alive, sleep deprived but alive.
I feel this year is very different to the others. I know kids change so much in a year, but this time I feel he’s changed so much. Maybe is because a baby brother came along and he’s had to become more independent. Just tonight, he found his pj’s and put them on by himself while I was nursing his brother before bedtime (my husband is traveling) He joined us for some reading, gave baby brother a good night kiss and went back to his room to wait for me.
Of course he’s still a baby in many ways. He comes to our bed every night, gets scared, throws tantrums, but he’s different and I see a big boy emerging. A sweet boy I want to have a real conversation with.
So sometimes, a lot of times I just sit and stare at him while he’s drawing, playing quietly or being wild and feel my heart is going to jump out of my body. Most times a tear may scape my eyes and always a “thank you God for him” comes out of my mouth.
(those are my parents visiting from Colombia)
PS. In case you’re wondering how I really survived 4 years…(the hard cider on my hand was my husband’s) but yes some alcohol (wine) might have been involved.